I was going to write a post about my grandfather. Pepa as you all knew him. It’s been sitting in my drafts since the funeral. However, while typing away I realized that one thing:
Everyone understands loss.
We’ve all experienced it, and even if someone reading this has not; surely he has some empathy towards those that have.
That being said, I can’t bring myself to write a post about my own personal loss. It’s pain. It’s utter heartbreak, it’s falling asleep at night wishing you could just thank them one more time. It’s wondering how the hell this could have happened. It’s knowing that no matter what negatives happened along the way, you’d take those over what is happening now. You’d take it back and maybe try and change it.
But you all know that.
What has me all flustered as I sit here pondering the last week; is not my aching heart. It’s something that I’m inclined to keep to myself–but something that needs to be said.
I was happy this past week.
I’m sure you’re all reading this thinking “how the hell could this freak be happy?” And to be completely honest, I understand that concern. How could I, after losing someone so important to who I am, be so happy–so content.
The answer is so simple, yet so complex. I urge you all (not just my family) to consider this when reading these next few words. I think you’ll all be able to relate this to your own life, and in that I find comfort.
I lost someone. So did the rest of family. In one way or another, we all lost someone who played a role in our lives at a point in time. Whether ongoing or for just an instant.
I had one thing in common with so many people, some I don’t even know. And as we all mourned the death, or celebrated the life of him..we gathered in one room, embraced each other and cried as a group. Until that day we never knew the their person existed.
But beyond that, I had so many family members in one room, at the same time. It’s moments like that that we take for granted. So rarely do I get all those people that I love in the same room. Some of the most beautiful people I’ve had the privilege of knowing.
My Mema–who has kicked this cancers butt and is now showing us just how strong she really is. My mother Carrie–who certainly wins the ‘being totally and utterly selfless’ award. My aunt Debby who never fails to show her unwavering support. My Aunt Becky who hugs me so tight when I need it, and makes me feel like I help when I hug back. Aunt Ann, and uncle Phil who would drop everything to just lend a helping hand. My cousin Jason who brings an enormous grin to my face without even trying. My big brother Trey who will forever and always be my other half, who I look to for guidance in my life. My best family friends Kassi and Ryan…who willingly chose to be here through the chaos of our lives’ and support us. My amazing husband Jordan, who stands by me no matter what–with a strong hand, and a warm heart.
They were all in the same room at one time. In that instant though, there was anther person there.
He was there. Slowly applauding himself for getting us all there together. While under the worst of circumstances, he ensured that we’d all get to spend time together. Laughing loving, and enjoying each other. I find happiness in the thought that while I’ve never considered myself to be a “religious” woman; I knew Pepa was up in heaven making sure I was okay, as he always did.
That’s why I was happy.
It’s a strange feeling. Being so happy and destroyed at the same time. An oxymoron so infuriatingly minding jumbling, that you don’t know whether you should smile or cry. It’s something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.
But the question I feel I should ask..is why does it take something like this for all of us to be together? Yes, there’s the military which plays an important role..or school. Work or kids. Why can’t we all take a minute out of our day to plan ahead for times like that. Take a weekend to just be together.
I know it sounds so idealistic and not realistic. That’s okay, I’ve always believed that I’m a perfect balance of both. But if wishing these beautiful days could happen because we made them happen–and not because of something sorrowful or unfortunate makes me niave; then I’ll take that title with open arms.
I guess what I’ve been pondering is not my lack of luck this past week; but how incredibly blessed I am to have a family like them. As I sit here and type away in the dark truck, I’ve made one promise to myself.
I will see them more often. There will be more time like that. Because I want it to happen. Because when I get them all together–whether it’s to go out and order an unreasonable amount of chili dogs; or see pictures of the nieces and nephews I’ve yet to really know–it’s perfect. Whether it’s to laugh over drinks with my brother and our best friends, or sip att coffee with my mother and mema. Or maybe it’s simply listening to the sound of my husbands light hearted breathing, hearing his heartbeat through a tacky t shirt.
Whether it’s wishing I could hear Pepa tell the stories of our Christmases one more time…
If I could take all of these things and have them all happen in the same room, sharing each experience with everyone I love-I’d say I’ll never need another thing.
So I guess I’m making that promise here, for everyone to see, and I suppose I’m asking, or hoping that you all will try to do the same.
“In conclusion” as Pepa would say:
I love you family & see you soon.